Greetings all. I have a new, but somber post to share with you all. It is on the topic of suicide.
One of my most popular articles is on depression and some of the ways to cope with the condition. Suicide is a slightly different, often more intense issue. Though the two have many similarities (depression can often lead to suicide), having thoughts of suicide should be treated as perhaps a separate string in the fabric of mental conditions.
A friend of mine anonymously submitted to me a message on this topic. In order to keep my friend’s words and identity intact, I decided to publish both the message and my response just as they were written (unedited by me). The following is the message I received.
Dear Street Saint,
I am writing this anonymous letter so I can explain something that I do not want attached to my name. I’m open about it, but at a cost.
I want to tell your readers what it feels like to be suicidal. This may not be everyone’s experience, but I think some people may relate.
It’s not a choice. I have always been ethically, emotionally and logically opposed to the idea of suicide, even in cases of extreme pain, suffering, sickness, coma, and hopeless situations. But this is not the part of my brain that is working when I have a suicidal thought. It’s more like when I’m hungry, and want something to eat. No, it’s more like when I want a cigarette, but I want to quit smoking. There is something in my brain that overrides my true desire.
It just happens. Sometimes, I am under stress, and the thought comes: “just end it.” It does not feel like my thought, but it is powerful. It is like the thought that tells you you are ugly, even if everyone says otherwise. The thought tells me I am useless, that my loved ones would be better off without me, that no matter how much good I want to do in my life, I will fail.
Sometimes the thought comes when life is good. Sometimes it comes when bad things happen. But when it comes, I tell someone. All of the doctors tell me to tell someone, to ask for help. But it isn’t so easy. A lot of people accuse me of acting out, attention seeking, selfishness, or just get so afraid of the idea that they ignore me. I have lost friends after telling them I feel suicidal. I have lost the support of family.
Growing up, someone I very close to me was suicidal. I would think, “why doesn’t this person just stop, change their mind, see how much they are loved?” Now that I have these thoughts, I realize it’s not like that. Sometimes, a simple distraction is enough to make the thought go away. Sometimes, someone has to watch over me for days.
Suicidal thoughts, I am convinced, are a malfunction in the brain that science has not discovered yet. There are no pills for it, specifically. There are pills that calm you down, and sometimes anti-psychotics that work. But the anti-psychotocs have had long term effects that make me even more suicidal. As far as I know, there is no cut and dry cure.
Many people go through with suicide because they do not want people to think they are crazy, because the hospitals don’t help, or because they don’t want to be shunned. I have been shunned by many friends and family because of the thoughts. It is a very confusing and painful situation, to tell people “there is a part of my brain that wants me to kill myself, and I don’t want to die.” It makes no sense. I know that. That is why it is so frightening. That is why it sometimes pushes the people you need help from away.
I just want people to know how it feels. It’s so hard to talk about this directly, because people don’t want to hear it from a loved one. Maybe they will listen to a stranger. Maybe then, if a loved one comes to them, or if they have these thoughts themselves, they will know what to expect.
Thank you for all the good work you do.
-Me
The following was my response:
Dear “Me,”
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I have not suffered from suicidal thoughts, but I have friends who have (clearly, you must be one of them XP). Depression (another condition friends of mine as well as myself have had) is similar in some of its symptoms (some of which you described).
I’ve written about depression as being something that no one can quite understand and there is often times no clear reason for it. It just happens sometimes. Suicidal thoughts seem to be similar in this way (naturally, depression can also lead to thoughts of suicide).
I appreciate your honesty in sharing this with me and I will certainly post your words on my blog as well. My blog “Search For Balance” would best fit this type of material.
Thanks again for sharing your experience. Best of luck to you with your healing process.
-Saint
How Do We Get This Way?
One thing I wanted to highlight in the message was the fact that my friend is not choosing to be suicidal. It is the case that sometimes the brain fires in ways that we cannot control. Everyone occasionally has thoughts or feelings they cannot explain, even if those thoughts go against what they believe or desire. This could be due to any number of the theories psychologists, philosophers, and therapists alike have proposed.
I personally think it has something to do with subconscious or unperceived occurrences and observations in our lives that find a way into our mental process. The brain’s process of sorting and storing information, as well as the process of conditioning is largely out of our control. It may be the case that we associate certain stimuli with thoughts of depression or suicide after we are conditioned a particular way.
People often point to childhood as a source of pathology. For example, a child may develop anger management problems if a parent was abusive. This is a very extreme and clear-cut case, but most of the time conditioning happens more subtly.
Take another example: a child who is repeatedly told she is insignificant. Being “told” she is insignificant may not happen very overtly. It may just be that a parent occasionally compares the child’s efforts to anther’s (an older sibling’s perhaps). Perhaps the child is told that she is not quite as talented as the other students in her class. It could simply be the difference between the praise, “I didn’t know you were so creative” (which implies surprise), versus “You always were good at this” (which implies expectation).
Some of these differences could make no difference at all in one person and all the difference in another. We are all wired differently, so it’s possible we take in these messages in a unique way. Ultimately it is about the collective experience. If there are enough positive factors to counter the negative ones, it may prevent problems in the future.
However, I admit this is speculation. This process of conditioning makes sense to me based on what I know about developmental, cognitive, and social psychology; although, no theory has been proven. Therefore, I cannot suggest any foolproof way to combat these unwanted thoughts of suicide or depression.
Suggested Solution
My personal (admittedly non-professional) advice is to do some introspection. If you want to stop having suicidal thoughts, for example, spend some time observing your behavior. What triggers these thoughts? When do you have them? Try writing a log for yourself of when you have these thoughts and what the context is each time (where you are, who you are with, what has been going on in your life, etc). Once you compile these instances, you may be able to find similarities between them.
If you can, try to think of ways to avoid these “triggers.” But don’t just avoid or eliminate these instances, replace them with other things. Trying to simply eliminate behavior is often a burdensome task, but you can make it easier on yourself if you have a set replacement (for smokers the suggestion is often chewing gum, but feel free to be more creative). And any time you feel a suicidal thought being triggered, quickly go to your substitute, whether that be going to the gym, calling a friend, playing scrabble, or making yourself a cup of coffee. What will probably work best is to chose something that will engage your mind completely (do a crossword or sudoku, for example).
Using this method, you can work to (hopefully) replace your vice with something more productive. You will also train your body to respond differently to whatever it is that causes the reaction in you. Eventually you will instinctively grab your saxophone instead of returning to those dark thoughts.
Once again, this is just my theory. Please let me know if you try this out, and certainly let me know if it works for you.
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