Please take the provocative title of this post lightly. I don’t mean to imply that all men and women think the same way, nor do I believe that all people solve their problems based on their gender identity. What the title instead implies is that, though all people are different and gender differences are not as clearly defined as many people think, there are certain distinctions that are uniquely common to one sex over the other.
One of these is the way in which men and women tend to resolve their problems and relieve stress. Men and women often get into arguments, especially with their relationship partners, because of a common miscommunication: the woman will be explaining a problem she has and the man will interrupt her with a solution. Though the guy is thinking that he is being helpful, this is not what the woman is looking for.
Women tend to relieve stress by talking things out. If life gets hard, women often seek others so that they can explain the situation and gain some level of sympathy. Conversely, when men have similar problems, they tend to think more practically about how to solve the problem or consult others for advice. Neither method is better than the other, although they are very different.
As an example, let’s say there is a person in the workplace that continuously gets on a woman’s nerves. When the woman talks to her female friends about the person, they offer responses like, “that sucks,” “she’s horrible for doing that,” or “you are totally right for feeling the way you feel.” However, when the woman goes to a male friend with the same story, the man simply says, “you should talk to your boss about it.”
To a man (in general), when people talk to them about their problems, they are trying to think of solutions, so he offers his advice. However, this is not what the woman is looking for. Women tend to be looking for validation. They want to know that they are not alone in thinking that their problem is difficult or upsetting. Ask most women and they will tell you that they are not looking for advice (they can solve their own problems), they are looking for sympathy.
So guys, next time a woman comes to you with a problem, don’t be so quick to give advice. Instead, let her know how you feel about the problem. Some women can get frustrated if all you seem to offer is advice. This can seem like a pacifying mechanism rather than help. Although, women should also keep this in mind as well. If a guy seems to dismiss your problem or comes off as uninterested, it might be him misunderstanding what you are coming to him for. Preface your story with, “let me know how you feel about this,” or “do you mind if I rant a little bit?” This way, he will know that you aren’t looking for suggestions, but compassion.
Just something to keep in mind. I’ve gotten into an argument with a friend once for this very reason: I kept offering advice and she became angry because she thought I was dismissing her. More often than not, people want to help, especially if they are friends or partners, though the art of communication can sometimes be a tricky language in itself.
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