I’ve recently been thinking about the whole “just a friend” issue. Many nice guys complain that they are just friends and can get no further into a relationship. I’m starting to wonder what is so bad about being friends?
For a nice guy, the argument is a bit different. Usually, when a girl tells them they would like to remain friends, this is really just her way of saying that she is not interested romantically. The problem that arises from this is that there is then some distance between the nice guy and the girl. The nice guy essentially gains only a few of the benefits of being friends and loses all of the benefits of being in a relationship.
However, this process tends to downplay the true meaning of friendship. If a nice guy were truly to become friends with a girl, he would gain much of what he is after: the ability to spend time with the girl, the physical closeness, and perhaps some intimate moments as well (intimate in the non-romantic sense of course). True, he would not have the fidelity of being in a relationship or the romantic or sexual connection, but there is a lot to be gained from close friendships.
Also, the idea of the “friendship ladder” is a myth. Becoming friends with a girl does not banish you to a dark corner of her mind where she will never look for relationships. I believe this idea grew from the tendency for nice guys to make their desire for a relationship too known (or too unknown) which creates an awkward tension in the girl. Nice guys then thought that this tension was simply because the girl valued the friendship too much.
Truthfully, people are more attracted to people they are familiar with. Ask any psychologist. The longer you know someone, the more attracted you become to the person (unless of course your relationship is a terrible one, then the process could be reversed). As long as you retain your role of “nice guy,” all of your friends will begin to feel a deeper connection to you over time. Does this mean you will get into a relationship with the friend you’ve had for years? Not necessarily. Friendship does not always lead to love, but as I said, deep friendships can bring just what you’re looking for.
I called a good friend of mine today and we decided to meet up. I generally dislike talking on the phone, so setting up these kinds of appointments with friends is rare for me. However, I am extremely glad I did. I found myself looking forward to the meeting all day. It made me realize that what I am after is not necessarily a romantic relationship, but intimacy and connection. I believe this is true for most people. Relationship tend to take this intimacy to a greater level, which makes them more desirable, but I tend to lack even basic connections sometimes.
I think a key factor of me getting into a relationship will be simply spending more time with the people I enjoy spending time with. I need to start seeing the organizing of these meetings as less of a chore and remember the joy I get when they come into fruition. I hope any of you with my problem will try to do the same.
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