What is Social Anxiety?
You may be wondering what I mean when I say I want to “conquer my anxiety.” What does he mean by anxiety? How does one conquer it? What does this have to do with finding a girlfriend?
That’s a whole lot of great questions, so I’ll answer them one at a time.
What do I mean by anxiety?
There are a whole lot of different anxiety disorders out there. As a matter of fact, I just wrote a new article about it: Coping with an Anxiety Disorder. You can find out more about the various types of disorders by reading the article.
However, when I talk about my anxiety, I am referring specifically to Social Anxiety Disorder or Social Phobia.
I made the realization that I had this condition when discussing some of my personal problems with a friend. She suggested that my issues may be due to anxiety. And though I knew what she was referring to in general, I decided to look more into anxiety-related problems.
And after a mini-diagnosis of my symptoms, I came to the very firm conclusion that I do indeed have social phobia.
What is Social Phobia?
Social Anxiety Disorder is present when a person has a strong and irrational fear that others are watching and judging their appearance or behavior. This fear causes people to get extremely nervous in social situations or when they are the subject of many people’s attention.
I get nervous when people watch me, too. What’s the big deal?
It is true that performing or delivering a speech in front of a large audience is one of the most common human fears. And though everyone gets nervous and anxious sometimes, the disorder is more extreme.
People with social phobia may dread being watched or having to interact with others so much that it can cause physical symptoms (like stomach aches, dizziness, and nausea), irrational thoughts or behavior (ie. worrying about or over-rehearsing for a small presentation weeks in advance), isolation, and depression.
In other words, social anxiety becomes a disorder when it interferes with the normal functioning of everyday life.
I thought you said you were a performing artist. How can that be?
It is true that, as a performer, I find myself on stage a lot of the time. I don’t dread public performance at all (at least, not any more than any other performing artist). In fact, I love being on stage! Why would I chose to perform otherwise?
The truth is, social phobia comes in many different forms. Not everyone’s symptoms are the same. Some people function perfectly fine day-to-day, but they become paralyzed with fear if you even suggest being in front of an audience. Others have no problem being on stage, but suffer for weeks before each performance because they are so horrified something might go wrong. And others, like me, don’t mind being on stage and don’t have any anticipatory fear either; however, they are terrified of “small talk.”
Usually, people with social phobia have some combination of symptoms (and in some extreme cases, all of them at once!). In my case, I over think social interactions. I worry about how I come across to others. I worry about what they think of me. I worry about saying something dumb, which will make the person dislike me. I even worry about all these things when I talk to friends and family who have known me for years.
And if that’s not bad enough, I (as well as most people with social phobia) also worry about people noticing my anxiety. People with social phobia are hyper aware of their symptoms (sweating, blushing, trembling, stumbling, etc.), to the point that they fear others will notice and comment on those behaviors. This just multiplies the person’s anxiety.
As a result, a lot of social phobics avoid settings where they might be forced to interact with others. Some will stop going to parties or even small get-togethers. Most have a strong desire to connect with other people, but are so tormented by the fear of rejection or criticism that they will isolate themselves.
But You Seem So “Normal”
I, as well as other social phobics, am often told that I don’t strike people as nervous or anxious. This usually comes from friends and family who know me well. It is true that if I am more comfortable with a particular group of people, I will be less restrained and anxious. At the same time, the main issue with the condition is that it is largely caused by the person’s own distorted views of him/herself.
Though I often tell myself that I am not actually coming across as nervous or awkward, I can’t help but feel I am. Most people with social phobia don’t stand out to others nearly as much as they believe they do. Many people with social phobia don’t even realize the condition exists at all. In actuality, about 1 in 20 people have social phobia (so say psychologists).
You seem to handle it well, though.
It is true that my condition used to be much worse. I realize now that I’ve had social phobia since I was very young, but I’m the type of person that dislikes any sort of “disability” in myself. Whenever I notice something in my behavior I don’t like, I immediately work to change it. This has suited me extremely well in the past.
However, now that I am aware of the condition, I recognize that some of the changes I’ve made to my behavior were less solutions and more band-aids. I figured that if I could cover up my symptoms, they wouldn’t be a problem.
Unfortunately, you can only cover something up for so long before it starts to show through again.
And What About “Finding a Life Partner?”
Naturally, I am still looking to find a compatible girlfriend; although, it didn’t make sense to attempt this without addressing my social anxiety first.
As you can imagine, trying to establish a relationship while also having a fear of social interaction could pose a problem or two. I’ve found that many socially anxious people have problems getting into and maintaining long-term relationships. I’ve decided that this was probably my problem all along.
So does this mean Nice Guys are just anxious?
Not necessarily. Since I realize now that this was my big issue, I imagine many Nice Guys also have this problem without realizing it. However, being a Nice Guy really just means you have trouble getting into relationships, despite your good qualities. It might just mean you have extremely bad luck, or you are asking the wrong girls.
As I’ve said time and time again: Nice Guys are not created equal. Each one has his own unique problems that he needs to work through.
Luckily, I’ve found mine.
So What Are You Going To Do Now?
I may need to develop an entirely different string of methods to tackle this problem, and it may be just as hard (if not harder) that my original goal of finding a girlfriend. I’m going to be taking things step-by-step, and I’ll discuss new developments as they arise.
My first challenge is to find treatment, which has already been going well. I’ve looked up online resources and information about social anxiety and even bought a book (Triumph Over Shyness
Additionally, I’ve already signed up for a counseling session and just today attended a social anxiety support group meeting.
Yes, I have taken on this new challenge head on, as I generally do with most challenges (that is why I created this website, after all). The way I see it, I’ve simply taken my original, Finding A Life Partner goal and gone in a new direction with it. In that case, I still have just 80 days to complete the goal.
Of course, I don’t necessarily know that all of my social anxiety will be gone by then. In fact, I don’t know that I’ll ever completely rid myself of my social anxiety. However, I can and will do my best to overcome most of my fears in the time allotted to me.
I work better under pressure anyway…
What Do You Think?
As usual, I encourage you to impart your own input on the situation. Leave a comment or send me a message. Or just subscribe to the email list and follow my progress.
The “fan mail” that I receive has been a huge motivation for me. So if you’re rooting for me, I’d love for you to let me know!
Related posts:
- Anxiety Update
- Anxiety Goals
- The Benefits of Introspection
- The Final Assessment
- Honorable Mention vol. IV – Anxiety and Mental Health (Round 2)
February 21, 2010
Author: Street Saint
Tags: Nice Guy, Relationships, Social Anxiety Posted in: Conquer Anxiety
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