Singles Awareness Day
Valentine’s Day, or as I often refer to it “Singles Awareness Day,” is fast approaching, and I only now realize what this means for my sanity. Allow me to explain:
The past few years on Singles Awareness Day (or SAD) have been pretty difficult on me emotionally for a number of reasons. Even though I sometimes had a good time on the day itself, it was usually that time in the year when I lost a lot of faith in myself. It has generally been the darkest periods of my year emotionally (save for one or two very extreme exceptions).
It occurred to me that Valentine’s day was a point when I gained a lot of hope for a future relationship which just never ended up happening at all. These realizations were especially crushing blows to my morale, and to this day are difficult to talk about.
But as a means of healing, and perhaps a way of moving on, I thought I’d relate some of the experiences I’ve had in the past.
SAD Day 2007
Looking back at 2007 is a strange experience for me. It was only three years ago, but I recall that I was a completely different person at that point. Well, perhaps “completely different” is too strong a phrase to use, but I have experienced so many life changes since then that it can be a little funny to remember how naive I used to be.
In the beginning of that year I was starting to meet a lot of new and close friends, so it was a very happy time in general. It only added to that happiness when I received a gift on SAD Day. It was a very traditional and (looking back on it) fairly cheesy Valentine’s Day gift bag with candy, stickers, and a card which read, “Happy Valentine’s Day from You Know Who.”
Because the gift bag was so cheesily made, I questioned it’s validity and seriousness. However, because I was so helplessly desperate for a girlfriend back then (which clearly hasn’t really changed much…), I let myself believe that there was a girl out there somewhere who really did want to “be my valentine.” I believed this was true because there was nothing more in my life that I would have possibly asked for than just that.
From then on, I spent much of my life speculating about who my “secret admirer” could be. This lasted all of February, March, and I believe some of April. It doesn’t seem like a long time now, but it was probably the longest three months of my life (save for those three months in 2008).
I remember being very certain about who the person could be sometimes. So certain, in fact, that I did some fairly embarrassing, out-of-character things to try to “win over” those girls. And I couldn’t help but be shocked and confused when each one told me that they had no interest in dating me. I felt horribly betrayed.
It was not until April that I learned the true secret behind the mysterious valentine. I should preface this with the fact that, that year, I was living with a roommate (one who is to this day a very good friend of mine). I remember telling him at one point that I believed I had finally figured out who had sent me the V-Day gift. My roommate then sat me down and told me that the gift was not meant for me at all. It was mis-delivered to me when it should have been for him.
It was then that I realized that no name was attached to the gift. I had just assumed it was mine. My roommate and a friend of his had been playing a silly game where they would send each other cheesy Valentine’s Day gifts for fun. My roommate’s friend had sent the gift to the right room, but the wrong bed. And my roommate didn’t want to tell me at first because he figured it was no big deal.
I didn’t hold it against him (as I said, we’re still very close) or his friend. The only person I could really blame was myself for being so easily swept up into my fantasy. At the time I played the news off well, since I was really just happy to have the whole thing behind me at that point. However, I later realized just how much of my life I had devoted, and in the long run, wasted because of this desperation for love.
SAD Day 2008
The next year, was another especially hard one. At the end of 2007, I had been chasing another girl which turned out to be a dead end, so I was already coming into the year in a bad place.
On SAD Day I received a message from an acquaintance asking me if I wanted to get together at some point. This may or may not have had anything to do with the fact that it was SAD Day, but I saw the request as one of relationship interest. Naturally, I agreed.
The two of us met up and hung out. We watched some TV, talked, and had a pretty chill night together. I couldn’t be happier, since it was the first time I was asked to hang out and not the other way around.
The next day I called, let’s just call her “Amy,” and asked her if she wanted to see a movie with me. She said YES! I couldn’t believe it! I thought this was it for me. My first successful date.
And though nothing really happened when we went out, I thought that it was a sure thing. Unfortunately, I realized then that I had not been clear. None of us had really used the term “date,” and we didn’t particularly make any assertions that it was the case. I did notice this, and it worried me a bit.
…That is, until she called me the next weekend asking if I wanted to go out again. My mind was then made up. From that point forward, I was dead set on the idea that the two of us were “going out.” Maybe we were, maybe we weren’t. To this day, I really don’t know because, after that night, things started to change.
Photo by bored-now
Suddenly I was the only one setting up our dates. Amy seemed more distant and didn’t talk to me as much. There would be days when she’d turn around a bit, which gave me hope, but I couldn’t get any sense of true interest from her.
Once again, I spent the better part of February, March, and April trying to decipher Amy’s attitude. And in that period of time, I did some things that I’m less than proud of to try to “win her back.” Unfortunately, toward the end of April, Amy started to spend more time with another guy (actually another friend of mine who I am still close to). I began to feel like a “third wheel.” The more I tried to get together with Amy, the more distant she seemed to become.
And as you may have already guessed, by the beginning of May, Amy and my other friend started dating. Words can’t really describe how I felt. I was hurt, confused, devastated, but relieved at the same time. Once again, I didn’t really have anyone to blame since my friend didn’t do anything wrong and Amy never really gave me any indication that she was ever interested in me (besides the two pseudo-dates we had in February).
In a way, I had been leading myself on. Holding on to the hope I had that Amy might be interested in me, and simultaneously throwing away the rest of my life.
Recovering from this, in light of the previous year’s fiasco, took a very long time.
SAD Day 2009
Finally, this brings me to last year’s SAD Day. Naturally, after having some horrifying experiences the previous two years, I decided to take it easy. I made a promise to myself that I would not chase after any girl on SAD Day since it has only ever led to failure and emotional trauma.
That being said, another good friend of mine asked if I would be interested in going to a Valentine’s Day 80s Night event with her and some friends. Of course, I was cautious, knowing how these requests ended in the past, but it did sound like fun, so I decided to go.
And though I knew that our friendship was probably platonic, I couldn’t stop my mind from imagining that maybe my friend wanted me to be there for another reason.
To make a long story (or long post, rather) short, I was right in thinking that there was no interest other than friendship. However, at some points of the night, I let myself say and do some embarrassing things to try to either get closer to my friend or see if she was interested. The answer was “no.”
At the very least, I was glad to have found out right away rather than chasing a delusion for three or four months.
Three Year Reflection
Looking back on these memories is difficult, to say the least. There is nothing more embarrassing, irritating, or saddening to me than my love-life and there is also nothing I like to talk about less.
However, I also believe this may be why I hold onto such negative feelings. Without sharing these memories, I can never really get over the pain they’ve caused me.
I thank you all for hearing my confession and appreciate any thoughts or words you might want to share. I look forward to a relaxing, and cheerful SAD Day this year. I hope you all have a great one as well.
Related posts:
- Just My Luck?
- Missed Opportunities
- Planning Something Big!
- Story Time: Childhood Trauma
- Just a Friend?
February 11, 2010
Author: Street Saint
Tags: Nice Guy, Relationships, Single, Singles Awareness Day, Valentines Day Posted in: Stories
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